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Tag: Muggles

Muggle at the Ministry: Muggle-Born Mate Goes Rogue

Official —- was given a mystery: how did a muggle get connected to the floo network and what caused this bloke’s hysteric breakdown at the ministry of magic? Today, we have answers.

Three days ago we reported on an incident where a muggle arrived by floo powder at the Ministry of Magic Headquarters. At the sight of a few goblins, the muggle broke down in hysteric screaming telling himself “it’s not there, it’s not there.” After the events unfolded, officials in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes attempted to discover how the muggle arrived at the Ministry in the first place. Using lagilimancy, they were able to discover that the muggle had been visiting a mate’s house in Kent. His mate, a Mr. Henry Jiggens, is the father of muggle-born Lucy Jiggens who will be beginning her second year at Hogwarts this fall. They requested the muggles name remain anonymous.

When officials visited Mr. Jiggens, they discovered the entire family distraught. That evening they had a few of their mates over for a barbeque. While everyone was outside, the muggle—the one who arrived at the ministry last week—went inside to go to the loo. After a while, Mr. Jiggens noticed his mates’ absence.

He discovered the note where their family had written instruction on how to use the flue network (including names of important destinations such as the Ministry of Magic Headquarters and Diagon Alley) on the floor of their sitting room. Then to his dismay, their jar of flue powder open beside the fireplace. It seemed the bloke had gone rogue. And they didn’t know where!

They were utterly gobsmacked and completely bewildered at what to do. In their panic, young Lucy Jiggens resorted to her best resource: Professor Neville Longbottom. She quickly wrote a letter describing the circumstances to Hogwarts’ headmaster hoping he would tell her what to do (this was confirmed by the headmaster himself.)

Officials were still befuddled by the muggles hysteric reaction to the goblins. In other circumstances, muggles have had much milder reactions to discovering The world of magic. Mr. Jiggens explained that his mate suffered from a mild form of what muggles refer to as late-onset schizophrenia. The muggle had suffered from hallucinations that muggle versions of our healers treated. Apparently, the muggle treatment had been effective (sometimes they surprise us), because the muggle hadn’t seen a hallucination for quite some time. So, when he saw the goblin, he was trying to convince himself that they were not real. He thought he was hallucinating and entire place (Ministry HQ) and the blokes and goblin he was envisioning. He thought he was going crazy again. Hence the hysteric screaming.

After discussing the issue with Mr. Jiggens, officials explained that healers may be able to heal the muggle of his muggle-named schizophrenia. So, they brought the muggle to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries where he is currently being treated.

Once the healers are finished, obliviators will erase the muggle’s memory of his experience of The world of magic and he will go on in his magicless ignorance. However, we must say, while this experience was a bit of a scare for the muggle, the Jiggens, and those at the ministry during the incident, we think this accident will leave the muggle better off than before. It’s not every day a rouge muggle gets magic aid.

Schieler, do you have suggestions for a stronger ending? This is part two of a series of articles.

– Eloise Phoenix

Muggle at the Ministry…Delightful Chaos?

Delightful chaos: that’s how Minister Hermione Granger describes the responsibilities of the Ministry’s department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes.

From a kelpie, who was mistakenly labeled the Loch Ness monster of Ireland in 1933, to the “sleeping pattern adjustment” of thousands of owls as news spread of Voldemort’s defeat, and even through multiple sightings of Yeti’s in Tibet, the last century alone has been a wild ride for the world’s magical concealment officials.

The Daily Prophet holds the stance that chaotic is an apt description of the department–not delightful!

Since the creation of the International Statute of Secrecy in the late 1600s, there have been millions of incidents where muggles found themselves confounded by their interactions with magic.
In fact, here at the Ministry, much of our work is dedicated to the concealment and protection of muggles from magic. 

Each section is vital in ensuring a positive relation to muggles and helps create a balance between our two drastically different, but often converging, worlds. However, in the centuries the Ministry has resided beneath Whitehall in London, no muggle has ever haphazardly entered the confines of its headquarters.

That is, until yesterday….

It was just as unfortunate as it was shocking for the breach to occur yesterday evening, as last night was only the third night Jackel Livingspree was on duty as the new Security Guard in the aviary. For such a young bloke, at such an early point in his position, he didn’t know how to handle what ensued.

In an interview with young Livingspree late yesterday evening, who was more than happy to discuss with The Prophet the transgressions, seemed pensive and suspiciously defensive in his recollection of what occurred.

“He [the muggle] didn’t look so different…not really. You see wizards in muggle wear all the time—coming and going where muggles are present. Especially if they’re coming from the entrances off muggle streets.”

Livingspree paused as if trying to remember. After wiping his sweaty hands on his maroon cloak he continued,

“I only noticed him cause he stumbled out of the chimney on his hands and knees. But, he just got up and brushed himself off. Then he rushed to get out of the way of the witch who arrived after him, nearly knocking him over again. I didn’t question it really, as he came by floo powder afterall. I mean I really never heard of a muggle using the floo network after all! 

But I did see him looking ‘round—checking everything out, mostly curious and shocked at the same time. But, o’er the last couple of days I’ve seen wizards lookin’ around just like that cause they were new to HQ. 

But, then he started hitting himself. Kind of softly at first and after a’ bit more time, very avidly – then a few Goblins entered and thats when it got real crazy. He started whispering it like he was panicking. Then he started screaming it louder and louder. And all he ever kept saying was, ‘It’s not real. It’s not real! Wake up!”

According to Livingspree, by this time everyone in the aviary’s attention was on the middle-aged muggle. His screaming was echoing off the stone, and onlookers seemed either confused, worried, or irritated, and above all else, curious regarding his obsession with inflicting himself with slap after slap and hit after hit. 

A middle-aged witch by the name of Mrs. Hilary Pot described the muggle’s reaction to the Goblins with three words – “He. Was. Terrified.”

Another young wizard who asked to go unnamed revealed his own thoughts on the matter,

“I’ve never seen anyone but my young brother scream like that, and it was because he suffered from night terrors. It was like the goblins were his living, breathing nightmare. It gives me chills thinking about that muggle’s terror.”

Needless to say, this muggle did not take too kindly to the discovery of the magical world and it’s accompanying creatures.

Thankfully, some officials from the Muggle Liaison office were preparing to leave and had just arrived when the scene had unfolded.

 A few witches and wizards helped them move the muggle to where we can only suspect is the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes.

At this time, besides Minister Granger’s comment about delightful chaos, she has refrained from discussing any further information. However, she did ensure TheDaily Prophet that further details would be released promptly, once the investigation has more concrete findings.

For now, this incident has left The world of magic with one vital question:

Why was a muggle’s chimney connected to the floo network and was it by accident or intentional?

This has been a late breaking story with journalist Eloise Phoenix, reminding you to preform your quarterly chimney charms to sort out any substandard connections in the floo network.

Muggle Tours Coming Soon

Today, the Departments of Magical Transportation and Magical Tourism issued a release announcing a new and exciting way to learn about muggles!

The Knight Bus Line has officially launched its Meet the Muggles Tour Lines. “This tour line is going to be a fun introduction to our non magical counterparts,” stated department head Percy Weasley. “We have been working on this project for some time, and we are happy to announce that you may now start booking your own Muggle Tour!”

This recent announcement has sparked some controversy with members of our community who have more traditional views on non-magical integration. “Why would someone want to learn more of their ways and put us at risk for exposure?” questioned a heated Richard Greengrass. “This will just put our way of life in jeopardy, and the Ministry shows a blatant disregard for the Statute of Secrecy with this mess.”

This is not the first time the Ministry has been under fire for its decisions, especially when it comes to The Department of Transportation. When the Knight Bus debuted in 1865, The Prophet received its fair share of owls bringing messages of discontent and plans to boycott claiming the program’s inception was a “muggle-esque outrage.”  While concern for the Statute of Secrecy is logical, the transportation department has put the same charms on the triple decker tour buses that they have for the knight buses. Concealment, Disillusion, and Silencing charms will conceal the buses and all passengers, as well as an imperturbable charm to keep objects out of the way, like the traditional knight bus.   

“We have taken every precaution to ensure that the Statute of Secrecy remains intact, and you will not find any flaws in our precautions. The charms were applied by the best charms experts employed by the Ministry. I have the utmost faith in them and their ability to maintain our secrets,” Weasley stated.

Mr. Weasley went on to further state that anyone who is planning on attending a tour should dress like muggles, much like when they take their children to Platform 9 ¾  for school. They will enter through the general entrance of King’s Cross Station. Recommended dress and additional information will be included with your ticket purchases.

These tours will provide a sneak peek inside muggle life, taking you inside muggle villages where you’ll see how they live, attend school, and shop. Tours are available on weekends starting in April. Much like traditional Knight Bus fares, there will be different packages available, including group rates. Tours will feature many historical muggle landmarks and locations, such as Buckingham Palace, The Tower of London, and The View from the Shard. Special Holiday Tours will also be available during the Halloween and Christmas seasons.

How do you our readers feel about these new tours? We await your owls!

Teapots Found to Be Screaming at Muggles

Members of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office have been working nonstop lately to repair the damage left behind after several muggles have gotten a hold of what’s been described as “screaming teapots”.

The first report came to us from The south side of London, where a muggle called her local law enforcement (what they call policemen) and reported that her teapot yelled at her when it began to boil. A source inside the police department leaked a copy of the report to The Prophet. That report stated that the woman claims that the teapot screamed “WOMAN! I’m done!” Until she took the teapot off the stove. The muggle was later transported to a nearby hospital for evaluation accounting to the same report.

The head of the Misuse of Muggle artifacts office, Arthur Weasley, was seen leaving the scene of another reported teapot incident carrying a cage with a teapot inside of it that was barking and growling like a dog. He declined to comment at the scene.

We reached out to Mr. Weasley Since then and yielded better results. “I’m sure that this is a hilarious prank to whomever charmed these teapots but it has created a very large headache for my office,” he said in a letter delivered by owl earlier today.

So far according to a department source no less than 10 teapots have been recovered in the last month each one exhibiting different magical abilities. The worst of which was a family sized teapot that screams obscenities and maids vulgar comments when women are around.

Mr Weasley States in his letter that a full blown inquiry is underway and they will do “whatever it takes” to stop the person responsible.